The Mystery of the Missing Milk
by garfieldodie
Summary: Script form. Calvin Tracer Bullet & Hobbes Tiger Eye have to clear Tracer's name when Mom accuses him of drinking all the milk. They find out who the real culprit is, though it's pretty surprising.


_Just a note, besides me not owning the characters: Anything with Calvin speaking in fantasy mode is him narrating._

The Mystery of the Missing Milk

**Fade in to Scene A**

**Exterior: Tracer Bullet's Office**

_We find Calvin (Tracer Bullet) sitting at his desk. It is cluttered with various papers. The room is very dark. We zoom in on Tracer as Calvin narrarates._

**Calvin: **It was a dark and stormy afternoon in the bowls of the old warehouse. I sat upon my chair thinking about a BLT, when suddenly I received a call from my trusted sidekick, Tiger Eye. He had a way with finding the clues. It turned out that he was calling with a problem.

**Tracer: **Whatup, Tiger Eye?

**Hobbes **_(OS) _Glad I caught ya, Tracer. We've got a problem down here at the Deli. Ya might wanna come down here and help me take a look around here.

**Tracer: **Thanks for the info, Tiger Eye. I'll be down there as soon as I can.

**Calvin: **I felt a chill run down my spine. A problem at the Deli. I was worried something had happened to the Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. It was all I could stomach for breakfast. Got me going in the morning. I grabbed my coat and made my way for the door.

_Tracer exits the scene._

**Fade to Scene B**

**Exterior: A Deli**

_Tracer enters a Deli. Hobbes is there as Tiger Eye. He is wearing a detective's hat. He is looking at an empty container. Tracer stands next to him._

**Tracer: **What happened here, Tiger Eye?

**Tiger Eye: **See this container? This thing was full of milk this morning. When the store opened, they walked in and found it as empty as locker on the last day of school.

**Tracer: **That's odd. Who could've drunken from it before the restraunt opened?

**Tiger Eye: **Someone must've broken in.

**Tracer: **Plausible. Let me see it.

_Tiger Eye hands Tracer the container. As he examines it, the room morphs from a Deli to the kitchen. Hobbes turns to toy form. Mom enters and sees Calvin._

**Mom: **Calvin!

**Calvin: **Huh?

**Mom: **I just bought that milk! You drank it all in less than an hour! How could you?!

**Calvin: **_(thinking) _I whirled around to find a tall brunette standing behind me. She apparently thought that _I_ had taken the cow juice! Hey, I would think I would've taken it too if I entered my Deli and saw me holding it's container. _(talking)_ Listen, ma'am, we're just investigating this crime scene. Go about your business. Just go on with your doing.

**Mom: **No use talking your way out of this one, young man. You're in big trouble now!

**Calvin: **Listen, ma'am, we didn't do it. We're only trying to do our jobs. We just need to snoop this place for clues.

**Mom: **Go to your room. Now!

**Calvin: **Ma'am, I'm not sure you understand.

**Mom: **No, _you_ don't understand. That does it. You're comin' with me.

_She reaches down and picks up Calvin and Hobbes. She carries them away._

**Calvin: **_(thinking)_ The dame wasn't listening to me. There was no use in trying to get away. She was definitely stronger than we were.

**Fade to Scene C**

**Exterior: Tracer's Office**

_The door to the office opens. Tracer and Tiger are both tossed into the room. The door slams shut. Pan over to the desk. Papers are just settling down on the ground. Tracer and Tiger pick themselves up._

**Calvin: **Judging by the way were tossed into the office, I'd say she was pretty put off.

**Tiger Eye: **That was the most forceful statement ever.

**Tracer Bullet: **I'll say. We'd better get started on the case. We can't be perpetrated for doing a crime we didn't do.

**Tiger Eye: **What's this "we" stuff? _You_ were the one with the container. _You're _the one with the spot on his not-so-spotless record.

**Tracer: **Hey, if it wasn't for _me_, _you_ would be the one who was framed! If you hadn't of called, I wouldn't have touched that container!

**Tiger Eye: **Oh sure, _you're _the hero for everything! _I'm _the sidekick. Without me, you'd be lost! _I _find all the clues! Thanks to my ability to see in very dark places!

**Calvin: **The argument went on and on for about an hour. Tiger Eye finally won. I think he cheated. We decided to check the scene of the crime, but we had to be very careful. The dame had goons everywhere throughout the building.

_Cut to the hallway outside the office. Tracer and Tiger peek through the door. They tiptoe down the long hallway. Fade to the stairwell. There is a man reading a magazine._

**Tracer: **There's one of her thugs.

_Cut to the real world from a different angle. The thug is really Dad. Calvin and Hobbes are watching him from a closet. Cut back to the original shot._

**Tiger Eye: **Why does she need thugs? She owns a Deli. She's a _victim_.

**Tracer: **She must've hired them to make sure we don't leave until the cops come.

**Tiger Eye: **Well, how do we get out of here? We can't go that way. He'd see us for sure!

**Calvin: **My mind was racing like a go cart on a ski jump in January. I searched everywhere for a way out of the building. We _had _to get to that Deli.

_Calvin peers into an office. He spies an open window with a fire escape close to it._

**Calvin: **It was then I noticed a fire escape. It was our ticket out.

**Tracer: **There's a way out through there!

**Tiger Eye: **Great! Let's make a run for it!

_Tracer and Tiger Eye run for the door to the office. Cut to outside the window. Tracer opens it. He climbs out. He carefully edges his way down. Tiger Eye follows close behind._

**Calvin: **All was going smoothly. So far, so good. It looked like everything was going to work out until…

**Tiger Eye: **Tracer! Look out!

**Calvin: **I grabbed my .45, thinking Tiger Eye was warning me of an attack. Suddenly, I discovered that I was wrong. Very wrong.

_Cut to a different angle in real life to show that Calvin and Hobbes are in a tree that is close to the window. Calvin is on a limb that is about to snap. Cut back to fantasy. The fire escape is collapsing._

**Calvin: **I tried to get away from that spot, but it was no good. I did the one thing I could do: I grabbed Tiger Eye's tail. His scream pierced the air like a violin… A violin being played by an elephant.

_Tracer is now hanging from Tiger Eye's tail. Tiger Eye is in great pain._

**Tiger Eye: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

**Tracer: **Careful, you idiot. You don't wanna give us away!

**Tiger Eye: **If you don't let go of my tail, you'll have worse things to worry about other than being given away! And who are _you_ calling an idiot? _You're_ the one who grabbed onto my tail!

**Tracer: **Oh, shadup.

_Tracer swings from the tail to a metal ladder. Calvin grabs onto it. He climbs down. Tiger Eye climbs down after him._

**Tiger Eye: **Let's get to the Deli.

_Tracer and Tiger Eye exit the scene._

**Fade to Scene D**

**Exterior: Kitchen**

_Calvin and Hobbes are currently in real life. They peek up through the kitchen window. Cut to fantasy mode. The kitchen is once again a Deli. We pan around it to find that it's empty. Tracer Bullet and Tiger Eye enter the scene._

**Tracer: **They must be on a lunch break. Okay, Tiger Eye. You get started on the clue search.

**Tiger Eye: **Right.

_The theme from "Peter Gunn" starts to play. Tiger Eye gets down on all fours and sniffs all about. He goes about a few times until he gets to a big footprint. He stops and points at it. Tracer approaches._

**Tiger Eye: **Lassie, eat your heart out.

**Calvin: **I examined the clue that Tiger Eye had found. It was a footprint. This was a pretty good find, seeing as how there was only one other person to find with a shoe that big.

**Tracer: **Dad.

**Tiger Eye: **Your dad?

**Tracer: **Well, let's think about this. Who else could have done it? The dame hadn't even shown up for work yet, I was in the office, and you don't even wear shoes. He's the only one who could've done it.

**Tiger Eye: **Brilliant! How do you do it?

**Tracer: **Elementary, my dear Tiger Eye. Elementary. _Pause. _I am, after all, in the 1st Grade.

**Tiger Eye: **Ah, now _that_ makes since.

**Dad **_(OS) _Calvin? What are you doing down here?

_Tracer and Tiger Eye jump. Whirl to Dad in real life. Calvin and toy Hobbes look up at him._

**Dad: **In fact, _how_ did you get down here?

**Calvin: **Don't bother denying it, old man! We know _you_ really did it!

**Dad: **Calvin, what are you talking about?

**Calvin: **Don't bother talking your way out of it! I _know_ you did it. You're the only one with shoes that big!

**Dad: **Huh?

**Calvin: **You drank all the moo juice, you crook! Now then, if you don't mind, Tiger Eye and I shall be turning you into the highest in command in the police force: Mom!

**Dad: **Uh, Calvin, you're joking, right? Sure, I admit it, but, do you know what she'd do to me? She'd do something so hideous, I can't even describe it!

**Calvin: **Whatever it is, I'm sure you deserve it. Now then, be a good man. Turn yourself in. Maybe she'll go easy on ya.

**Dad: **Never!

**Calvin: **Then we're telling her.

**Dad: **You wouldn't dare.

_Dad reaches out to grab Calvin, but Calvin grabs Hobbes and runs out the door. The song "Ever Fallen in Love" starts to play as they run. Cut to outdoors in fantasy mode. Tracer and Tiger Eye scramble around a corner of the building and down the sidewalk. A giant thug is right behind them._

**Tiger Eye: **So where do lead him to?

**Tracer: **The dame was last seen at the flower shop doing volunteer work. We need to lead him there.

_The turn another corner._

**Calvin: **It was at this point I was wishing that I hadn't have dropped my .45 back at the fire escape. It would have slowed this guy down. He was showing no signs of stopping. I didn't like the way this story was going, so I thought I'd write a new ending with my secret weapon as the co-author.

**Tracer: **Tiger Eye! Evasive Maneuver number twenty-six!

**Tiger Eye: **Right!

_Tracer jumps up on Tiger Eye's shoulders. He turns around to face the thug._

**Calvin: **I knew this would work. It always worked. It left the criminal confused for a few seconds. That was all the time we needed. The flower shop was around the next corner. I prepared myself, then I let him have it!

_Tracer pulls his nose up and blows the thug a raspberry._

**Tracer: **THHHBPTBPTBPTBPTBPT!!!

_The thug falls back for a while. Tracer and Tiger Eye round the corner. Tracer jumps off of Tiger Eye. Cut to reality. Mom is in the garden. Calvin walks up with toy Hobbes._

**Calvin: **I haven't got a lot of time to explain this to you chief, but…

**Mom: **Calvin, get back in your room!

**Calvin: **Listen, I didn't perpetrate the crime! It was your hired thug!

**Mom: **You mean your dad?

**Calvin: **Right! _He _did it! You see, he's the only one with a footprint like that.

**Mom: **Excuse me?

**Calvin: **Look, it's easy. You were in the Deli before opening hours, I was in my office thinking about a BLT, and Tiger Eye here doesn't wear shoes. It couldn't have been any of us! It must've been…

_Dad suddenly enters, grabbing Calvin and cutting him off._

**Dad: **Oh, hi, dear! I'm just taking him back to his room. Heh, heh!

**Mom: **Hold on a second, dear. Calvin, a footprint could've been from anytime. You'll need to do better than that.

_Calvin looks all around him. He spots Hobbes, who isn't noticed by his parents. He points to his upper lip, then to Dad. Calvin gets the idea. He whips out a magnified glass. He holds it up to Dad's upper lip. He looks carefully._

**Dad: **Calvin? What are you doing?

**Calvin: **Ah ha! Take a look at that, Ma'am! Apparently, he never wiped his mouth!

_Mom looks into the magnified glass. Her eyes grow wide. Cut to the magnifier's POV. We see a milk mustache on Dad's upper lip. Cut back to previous shot. Mom looks very mad._

**Mom: **Dear! _You _drank the milk?

**Dad: **Well, I…

_Dad drops Calvin. Cut to Dad's feet. Hobbes crouches down next to Calvin. Calvin rubs his head and grins at Hobbes. They give each other a grin and a wink._

**Fade to Scene E**

**Exterior: Tracer's Office**

_Tracer and Tiger Eye are sitting in chairs at the desk. Zoom out on them._

**Calvin: **Dad was found guilty of drinking milk from a carton without a glass or leaving any behind for the non-paying customers. Seeing as how he was my old man, I made sure Mom went easy on him. He was sentenced to two weeks of grocery shopping for Mom in order to realize the importance of grocery shopping. All in all, there will be a good G.R.O.S.S. meeting tonight. Case closed.

_Fade to black._

**Hobbes: **Can I be the narrator next time?

**Calvin: **No.

_End of Episode_


End file.
